2008: Year of Me

I have decided to return to blogging.

I realize that I was on hiatus for so long….two years, too long.

Quite a bit has happened in my life, that I will share in due time.

The first order of business? 2008 Goals.

2008 will be the year of ME. I came to this conclusion just before the ball dropped signifying the New Year.

In short, I broke up with my Man, the one I was with for the last 5 ½ years. The one I was set to marry. I listened to my gut on that one and canceled the wedding; deciding he was not the one I wanted to marry. We can get to that at another time.

My heart has been broken and I need to be done brooding over it. Enough is enough; I have hit my personal threshold. For the entire 5 ½ years, I have done nothing but support Him and never minded myself. I did take care of myself, though not how I would have liked, as well, I did not support my own personal interests. People change and grow. I did, but was held back from doing anything because all my focus was on Him. Now, I see, that was not healthy. Thus, I declare 2008 the Year of Me.

I made a list of everything I want to do this year; every thing that came into my mind. And looking at the list, my biggest gripe is time. I have to learn to budget my time accordingly. This could prove to be a struggle. However, it will also be a challenge.

Some of the goals that I would like to accomplish in 2008 appear to be pretty generic: read more, knit more, write more, exercise daily, and hang out with friends more. But as I previously stated, I need to learn to budget my time. I have purchased the book ‘Getting Things Done: the Art of Stress Free Productivity’ by David Allen. This book appears to be highly recommended and referenced often by friends and professionals alike. I have not tackled that book just yet, as I am currently a one-book-woman kinda gal and am currently reading ‘On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft’ by Stephen King.

In addition, I will be making some changes to the site, in hopes of making it more up-to-date and intriguing.

Stay tuned for more…..I have returned.

How cool is PodCasting?

Though I will admit that I don’t know all the ins and outs of PodCasting, from what I do know, it’s awesome.

I am one that would not have minded becoming a very hip and amazing disc jockey. Seeing that those plans went by the wayside, and I kick myself for not being a part of my undergrad’s radio station, I think that PodCasting would suit me.

I made one small attempt to share this revelation with my Man. He gave me the Weird Look and changed the topic to something more pertinent to our current lifestyle. I couldn’t argue with him…it does come across as being a bit odd. While he is trying to become accustomed to the new Tech World that exists, he is more laidback and not as excited: “Honey, we can have our own quasi radio show?!” To which I get: “Mmmm…….”

Right. I had that same conversation with him when I told him I wanted an iPod. I still do not have one. That’s for another time, though…

So, I love to read how more and more folks across the world are becoming connected thru PodCasting whether they know it or not. Hell, there is even a “PodCasting for Dummies” book out there….I mean, do we not have a revolution or what?

So when I read this article on parents helping the world out, I thought it was a great thing: Parents Get Together Via iPod ‘Radio’

Maybe this Tech thing is going to make our lives a bit less stressful. At least the intentions are there.

Perhaps one day I will be allowed to tamper with my dream from a former life of being a DJ. I’m just not making any promises.

Those cute little Smart Gadgets

There is so much to catch up on! Where do I begin? I will tell you…..with this article that was in USA Today Everyday Gadgets Go ‘Smarting’ Off

Are we really attempting to make our lives much easier? Or is it simpler? Are these the right words to describe it? Yes, the workload is taken off of us. However, when something goes wrong, for example, there is a crash of the electronics, this creates more frustration. More frustration leads to higher stress levels. And where do most people feel they are today?

I was once a proud owner of a Palm Pilot. I don’t remember the model number. I could look it up but you get the point: it was a while ago. I loved the thing. It was perfect for me to decipher what the fuck I was doing between work, school, and having a life. Then I just stopped using it one day. I had this horrible feeing that I was becoming too tech savvy (yes, me, I know). I was forgetting my roots and therefore, without a decent farewell, I said good-bye to the Palm Pilot.

Now keep in mind, my initial interaction with it, as with most cool things, occurs with friends. And Diana has helped me become an up-and-coming gal with all my gadgets and gizmos that I never would have discovered normally by my lonesome.

Between the Palm Pilot and the Treo there is a decent gap of a few good years of pen and penciling it. I’ve had pocket calendars, a Filofax, and huge calendars. All being carted all over the place with me.

Not too mention cell phones and the service carriers that I have had.

So during these gaps, Diana was still very much in-tuned to the Tech World of Gadgets, while I just sort of slinked back a bit and laid low in the shadows of the literal page-by-page calendars.

And then the Treo arrived in the world. And Diana told me about it.

She raved and gushed, pushing buttons, tapping here and there, even had me call myself. Just to show me all the awesome things that this new device did. And my reaction? I fell in love. I wanted one. No doubt. This was truly made for me. I could easily combine what the fuck I was doing with work, school (yes, still in school), a life, and my Man’s schedule (a new thing to keep track of). But there was more! It was also my phone!! How amazing is that? But there was more!! I could access my email!! It just gets better….it’s an MP3 player too!

Holy shit they weren’t fucking around when they made this thing.

And I was lost from my World of Shadows. I became Tech-Oriented once again. I love the Tech section of USA Today (be prepared to see it some more).

But does it really make us to live simple? I want to. I know there is less to carry….but when something is not right, how the fuck do I fix it? I mean, there’s always 1-800-TECH-SUPPORT for every gadget out there. But the quality of service is gone. Is that an oxymoron then?

So, I’m still hung on this Simple Thing. My goals in life always appear to be simple: bike to work one day, hike more, exercise more, eat more healthy foods, blah, blah, blah….. But do they really mean that my life will be simple?

And to get further off the topic….the more we become tech-oriented as a country, that is the more Smart electronics we have, the less growth of our Gross Domestic Product (GDP). These things are not measurable by the GDP. But that’s for another topic……

It’s ALL about me.

So, it was my birthday the other day.

And as usual, I expected things to just happen.

I think that this is a concept that occurred when I was little and my mom told me it was my birthday. This occurred when I had no jobs, no Treo, no bills, no concept of time, and basically, zero responsibilities. I was eight.

I remember my mom waking me up one morning singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ I was confused. “What’s a birthday?” It was quite a revelation at the tender and impressionable age of eight.

“You’re turning one year older today. Today you are not eight years old.”

“But for how long?” as I was harshly removing eye boogers and attempting to focus on my mom standing above me.

“Just for one year. Next year you will be one year older from where you are now: nine.”

Did I want to be one year older? What if I didn’t? I wasn’t informed of this ‘year older thing.’ I needed to be asked about it. It can’t ‘just happen.’

But it does. It did. And it keeps on happening.

Now, almost twenty years later (I said ALMOST), here I am: turning yet another year older.

Only this time, I wake up to my Man singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. And I rub the eye boogers from my eyes and smile and say “thanks.”

As I’m taking my shower, I am contemplating what should be happening in the world right now: everyone should be waking up and saying to themselves: ‘oh, it’s Ranting Knitter’s birthday today.’ I should be seen in the world with balloons, flowers, and the occasional cake. I should have the ‘Happy Birthday’ halo. Everyone will say ‘oh hey, look…it’s her birthday today. Hey ‘Knitter! Happy Birthday!’ And of course I will have this awesome smile on my face the entire day saying my thank-yous and you-shouldn’t-haves.

I’m still in the shower (it is my birthday after all) and I’m thinking that everything should be perfect. That is, it should do it on it’s own because it is my birthday. I won’t cut myself shaving my legs because the razor KNOWS that it’s my birthday today. When I am doing my hair, it will be flawless because it KNOWS it’s my birthday. My zits will disappear on their own. My makeup will be perfect. My contacts will just fall into my eyes. My breath will not stink. My outfit will assemble itself. I will not look fat in anything I am wearing. My period will go away.

The house will be cleaned. The dishes will be put away. My breakfast will make itself. And work will say: “Take the day off, we won’t charge you a day. After all, it’s your birthday.” All food that I consume will not consist of calories or fat. I don’t have to workout. XM will have a station dedicated just to me, playing all my favorite music in the order I prefer.

I should have a smile on my face the ENTIRE day! I should not be sad or pissed off. It’s MY day. Fuck everyone else today….they each get their own day, anyways, and the same things or what they want should happen on their day. This is how birthdays should be. The world SHOULD stop for us when it is our birthday.

Obviously, that does not happen and it’s one of my Fantasy World things. But, I’ll be damned if I don’t try to make it happen. : ) And all with a positive image.

I heard that it was good to turn a year older because the more candles that are on your cake the better. The purpose of the candles on the birthday cake was to ward off evil spirits for the coming year. Well, shit if that didn’t work last year. Hopefully the extra candle this year will make a difference. I am convincing myself that it will.

Slide, Crash, Cry

Not the greatest morning….I crashed my car. And in a bizarre way.

I was about to pull onto my road; I had slowed down at the same time signaling to take the left. More than enough time was given to the guy behind me in the Suburban (mind you I drive a Tahoe). Well, he was not paying attention and drove up on the right side of me, on the grass/woods. I was wondering what the hell he was doing and then it dawned on me that he was not paying attention and damn near rammed into me.

I would have preferred that as to what was going to take place in a matter of minutes.

I pulled into the driveway and did notice the extreme amount of water runoff from the yards of the neighbors. That had all frozen.

Not a big deal…. but it was…

I pulled into the driveway and I was not happy where I thought I should park – it looked like too much ice. So, I went to park next to my Man’s truck and skidded on the ice and slammed right into it. Unreal.

So right now, the Tahoe is attached to the Truck. I will wait for the ice to melt and then move it. But, the Tahoe is smashed.

Now, for just once, I would love not to have any Drama in my life. For one year. Is that hard to ask for? I don’t bring it on myself; this shit just always seems to happen to me on a regular basis, that doesn’t normally happen to others. My friends tell me that I live a Soap Opera Life. While I would like to think that we all live a life that may easily be reproduced by Hollywood, I am told numerous times that my life is just so obvious.

Not to get off the topic, but you’re getting the point.

So, when I request no drama….I mean NO DRAMA. I would not consider my life boring; I would see it as a year-long vacation. A nice break. I would love to just kick back and watch the world go by. Don’t get me wrong; I will be an active participant, but just without the drama.

Other people can have drama in their lives and that will more than suffice for me. But, I just don’t need these little hang-ups all the time. What are they telling me? To calm down? To do mental check? To do a status check of my life, love, etc.? To sell the Tahoe because I’ve had nothing but bad luck with it? But wait, I was IN MY DRIVEWAY. This shit should just not happen at home. But about 80% of motor vehicle accidents occur within two miles of the home. Yeah, no shit. I am so living up to that standard.

To fully understand, one must know the History of the Tahoe. I have owned this vehicle for just over one year. I have had nothing but engine trouble (check engine light was on for the entire year; they finally fixed it, maybe). I have had a quarter panel redone due to someone scratching the hell out of it, down to the metal, about the size of a half-dollar size. That was after owning it for about six months.

So now, every six months, something will happen with the Tahoe that affects its body, thus creating a need for money to cover the cost of it. Why go through insurance and give them a chance to make an excuse to raise my rates?

I think I am going to have to sell the Tahoe. Honest. I am starting to think it’s bad luck.

Which brings me to another thing….is there such a thing as bad luck?

Oh for the Love of Happiness!

So, I’m watching ‘Mona Lisa Smile’ at 2am the other morning. And as I’m watching it and the events are unfolding in the movie (towards the end, obviously). I find myself crying. And I then I realized why I was crying.

For as long as I have been watching movies, I have found myself quite emotional (either crying or very much near it) during movies that do not require any type of emotional response, simple movies, really. And for the longest time (up until the other day) I always found myself crying for True Love.

I have questioned the concept of True Love for almost as long as I’ve been watching these movies. That is, since I’ve been exposed to watching movies, I discovered the concept of True Love. There was a belief that there was a person out there that would love me and we would grow old and have fun together. As I grew older, I discovered sex would be an issue…in the positive, of course.

So, when I met my man, it dawned on me that things were different this time around. That there was something significant going on with this new man. Now that we’ve been together for a long time, I realize that this is True Love. Now, there were no angels singing in the backround, nor was there any new-age music nor any up-and-coming singer/songwriter performing next to me.

Now, fast-forward to now, 2am in the morning, watching ‘Mona Lisa Smile.’ As I started crying, for what I thought was finding True Love. I realized that wasn’t it. I was not crying for True Love. I was crying for Happiness. It was a matter of finding Happiness and being Happy with it. There are moments when the Happiness lasts for a little while…but not forever. And that’s what we are all looking for – forever happiness. And I realized this and of course started to cry some more. It was amazing how after all these years (since I started getting serious about watching movies, about the age of 12), that I always cried because I didn’t have a True Love. And now, YEARS later, I discover this entire time I’ve been crying because of Happiness. And how disillusioning it can be.

And the reason I’m crying about this? Because I have never known Happiness until I was older, in my early twenties. And even then, it was a struggle. My upbringing was not the greatest, though it was better than most. I had a fucked-up biological father that caused a lot of havoc in my life until I was in my early twenties when I came to terms with it (rather than just ignoring it). So for me to have Happiness, it is a big thing.

And of course I began to evaluate my current situation. But I realize that I am VERY happy. I LOVE the man I’m with, the house I’m in, the stuff I’m doing (aside from going to school, which I have had enough, but have to endure 3 more months to complete).

I have issues with my job. I love my job, just not the people I work with. Is this an issue or is this normal? I have yet to decide. I KNOW that I am going through unnecessary bullshit and that it is not the same every where else. So, the contemplation concerns on what to do, however, I am not seriously thinking about that until I have finished school.

(At this point, I am not going to get into the unhappiness that exists within the world, perhaps another day).

Then Diana emails me the other day with this book she wants to get “The Art of Happiness at Work” by The Dalai Lama. Who better to write on this subject than him? Then I get to thinking that I should read this book, as well. Nevermind that I should also read “The Art of Happiness.” No less, both are now on my Wish List.

In the end, it IS about being happy and having Happiness in your life. Perhaps not in all aspects, but in as many as can be possible. So, I toast you all to Happiness in 2006.